I couldn't imagine ever feeling like that again.  I had to figure out another way to live, because in that foggy existence it wasn't much like living at all.  What rational person would drink something again that had given them hallucinations before?  I felt like a drug addict at the very moment when they decide it is NOT worth it to ever do drugs again.... afterall, I was addicted to drugs, if nothing else, the week of withdrawal had proved that.  The only thing keeping me from a Narcotics Anonymous meeting was the simple fact that my drugs had been prescribed by a Physician and I had taken them only as directed.  I cried out to God with tears and heart ache, begging for a solution to this problem. It had been several years since I had slept a single night without medications.  The dangerous drug had been flushed down the toilet and the withdrawal I had gone through the week before had assured me that those medications weren't going back into my body ever again.  As if in answer to my plea, I felt carried to the computer and the mouse seemed to move for me to the narcolepsy support group page.  I had to find out where all of those people that handled their disease with diet and exercise got the information on how to do such a thing.

Finding the link for the Wakeup Diet (TM) website at that time seemed like a beautiful gift from God. I knew I could never take that poison again.  Without a plan for how to sleep without medications, I was bound to lose it.  But there it was on the screen: Instructions for a diet and exercise plan designed for people with Narcolepsy.  It held all the answers to those questions I had been asking for years about how to exercise!  Why had everyone made such a big deal about how good it felt to sweat, it made me feel like I was about to pass out! In a matter of moments, as an image from that computer screen flashed in my mind, clips from different conversations which had taken place over a period of 5 years began replaying.   

Dr. Gray - You need to exercise to lose weight.

Jill - Exercise gives you energy. 

Me - I feel like crap when I exercise for the rest of the day and sometimes the following day too.  It doesn't even feel good to sweat it burns and it hurts.

Sister in law- You sound like every other overweight person.

Dr. Gray - You don't have asthma and your heart is good.  You need to exercise.

Me - Why does it not feel okay?  Why doesn't it give me energy?  Why do I feel like I could pass out and sleep for two days every time I sweat?

Dave - I know you aren't lazy. I know you're sick even though you don't look sick.

KEEP COOL WHILE YOU EXERCISE! Flashing still: Keep cool while you exercise!  Could it really be that simple?  Okay, maybe simple isn't the right word but could that really be the piece I had been missing for so long?  We would surely find out soon because I had to try something else since there were no other medications available and none of them had worked.  This would turn out to be either the best thing I had ever done for my body since my diagnosis or the dumbest but I had no other options.  God stayed with me this long, He would see me through the rest of the way.  

Fully aware that my body depended on medications to know when to sleep and too weary to do anything else about it; I went to bed that night thanking God for a plan and asking Him to bless my efforts.  I knew very well that I would probably not sleep that night but I kept my head on my pillow resting my body for the first day of the new plan.  I had already decided that not sleeping that night would help ensure a good night's sleep the next after working the plan.  How naive I was!

I have been trying to process so many thoughts regarding my medical situation in the last few weeks.  My short-term memory has been restored and now longer term things that I forgot that I forgot are flooding back to me.  I don't even know how to file all of these thoughts and nobody seems to know how to HELP ME organize my thoughts.  I figure the best I can do is to write some out and store them here but I don't even know where to start.  Although this may not be comfortable to read, I just have to get some things out!

God has always loved me, even if I didn't know who He was or what role He had in knitting me together in my mother's womb until I was 17 years old.  This is a fact and it is real.  His love is what protected me through all of the medicine changes and His love is the only constant love I was aware of throughout this experience.  He was the one thing I never lost faith in, never let go of and never turned my back on.  I know if I were reading this from outside my own head, I would scoff and try to remind myself of something good I did or state that this couldn't possibly be true because of one reason or another.  But I am in here and I have to say I honestly felt as though EVERY ONE was out to get me at one point or another.  I was paranoid and looked for double meanings in everything I heard, spent my time trying to understand why being around any other living person made me feel isolated more so than being alone and fought the urge to run away from everything and every person I knew so that I wouldn't have to deal with that again.  I never considered suicide because of my faith in God but running away and starting over somewhere else definitely had major appeal for me.  I remember (vaguely) watching missing people shows and wondering if anyone would even bother to report me missing or just celebrate the fact I wasn't needing to be taken care of anymore.  I knew God would go with me wherever I was, but I felt no (zero, zip, zilch) responsibility to take care of Dave, Bridget or Will and was absolutely convinced they would be happier with me gone.   

I could continue on and describe more what the fog I was in felt like and made me feel, but if I know me, (and I do more so now) I believe I have already shared more than most people can be expected to handle.  Sometimes, I feel like a science experiment gone wrong and when I truly spend time thinking about that, I realize that is exactly what I am.  Medical professionals do not know how narcolepsy happens, how to diagnose it with accuracy, nor do they know how some of the medications they prescribe work, they just know it does for some people.  As it stands, I am not one of those people! This is a fact and it is real.  

I am relearning who I am and that beautiful song asking God to show me just that could not have come out at a better time for me.  I am still trying to figure out what has happened and where to go from here.  I am attempting to be honest with myself and with my husband, who I get the honor and privilege of falling in love with all over again.  What he tells me I believe as truth and he says, "I knew you were in there and God never let me give up the search."  I praise God that he has always loved Dave too.  What a man!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The kids are getting used to having a momma that loves being around them and hugs and kisses have never been so sweet!!  Bridget made me a card last week and it is the first thing that she has ever made for me without being told to.  I will cherish it forever.  Will sees me crying from time to time and rushes TO me (not away from like before) and puts his small hand up and down my back saying, "Your Will's here Momma, Your Will's here," just as gently as anyone can imagine. I try to smile at him and tell him I am okay but before those words escape I suck them back in for fear that is not the truth.  He nods at me and repeats his calming touch, "Will's here."  I am blessed with a wonderful husband and two amazing gifts from God that I get to raise with him and HIM.  That is a fact and that is real. 

Of course, this process of realizing what I did in that fog and acknowledging my role in all of the problems I created and the relationships I damaged, can be extremely exhausting and is incredibly humbling.  I ask for grace in the form of patience with me as I sort out what is fact and what is real from what the fog led me to believe.  If you are owed an apology, give me some time to realize that necessity, more time to figure out how to word it and even more time to find an opportunity to extend it. Believe me when I say, I don't know what happened but I am sure and have always believed that God will be glorified because of what we have been through.  I am sure I will be writing more as I can already feel peace about what I have gotten out today.  Please do not feel it necessary to comment or to even acknowledge you read these rambling thoughts as they bubble to the surface of my mind.  I have decided to keep my blogs public so that maybe someone else who is going through a similar situation may find them and have someone to relate to. Not so that people can feel sorry for me.  I have done enough of that in the past few years but I am over that now.  I'm on to the task now of figuring out how to control my own body with careful food and exercise planning, without the help of medications that produce more side effects than intended effects!  Praise God I am fearfully, wonderfully made and I am blessed!  That is a fact and that is real!